Misty River ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Sweet and simple I left the conversation to hang not knowing where to go. Down the street my car drove itself into a river that passed by. Brian stands alone in a doorway. I walk up to him... ask him questions... Did I ever touch you? Everyone is touched by something. My weakness is love... tell me yours Love me... I'll want you forever. It doesn't help... I create chaos more than perfection. A dozen lovers at one time bring me enough pleasure but they all disappear at the same time leaving me with the remnants of the sticky webs I've woven... maybe if I eat them I can start again. Somewhere one would think there is a match for me... possibly for moments but seemingly nothing more. I expect nothing yet even that is too much. Rain drizzles... hours go by... somewhere in a smoky bar my next victim waits... suck his feeling out of him before he discovers my vampiric techniques. Men don't know what they want, they act on instinct. A pretty girl walks into a room... they imagine her naked... riding her through the night. They imagine their cum on her chest... beautiful, smooth, soft, alabaster skin... breasts yearning only for their touch... nipples standing awaiting their lips. Women are worse. Looking for love they hand themselves over to be pricked and tasted... they do it all for the wrong reasons. Does love have any part of this ceremony? Why do I do it? Sex does not bring love... I'm intelligent enough to know that. I do it for sport... find a man... fuck him... and do it well enough so that months after he wanders off... confused and thinking men can feel love... thinking he felt it with me... and then getting scared of the possibility... Conversation... meet me half way... I want you badly... you take me like no other... I feel like I'm worth something when I'm inside you... but no one else does. Unwrapping a lollypop I stick it in my mouth quickly... sucking on it happily as I walk down the street wishing I could return to my childhood once again. Not that I miss it per say... I am not like every other idiot dwelling on the dead and long past... wishing that life were sweet and simple again. No.. I'm the one who dwells on the feelings, dwells on the love that surrounded me. Deep down I'm like every other woman... wanting love... but I gave up on it long ago. Words filter through my mind. Can anyone touch me anymore? Then I see them, bright blue, flashing across the playing field of my life... What are your secret desires? And how do I unlock them? Is there any way back in or will I be spending the rest of my life parading myself around in my disguises hoping no one will notice its not really me... its a scared little girl hiding in the darkness? There has to be some way in.... Back to the scared little girls in the darkness... lost her soul and ate the map to the door she locked it behind. It was a way to survive. I am a strong woman. I lead well in all things. But that doesn't explain where my "self" went off to... I know the key is something simple. Make me feel human again. Hell.. make me feel anything again. I will bend for you... spin webs of mystery and intrigue but only if you can win me over. I'll touch myself as I lay in bed imagining it is you. Nighttime brings dreams... dreams of what I could be... what I want to be. Running around asking men if they would like to glimpse my breasts. I pride myself in their shape.. their firmness... their ability to stand alone without the need for a bra. I obsessively touch them. Perhaps I was a man in a past life... I enjoy they way they feel... and the feeling they make when caressed. There is a strange man who lives in the attic whispering me words of puritan nature. You better tone down your sexual nature girl.. or you�re going to go to hell. I don't care... I find a man who is twice my age... allow him to wine me and dine me... then tell him to eat quickly so we can go... he doesn't know why... doesn't know that my sex drive just went up a notch and I'm wet... wanting nothing to do with food... only wanting someone to touch my naked body and to make me feel pleasure. I guess that makes me no better than a man. Living on instinct. My soul is there somewhere... I wander out of the restaurant and into a desert. I get lost and the man I was with disappeared long ago. In the desert I sit in a pit on top of books with a group of college students in a study to see just how high the wild dogs of the sand will jump to get to me and tear my body to pieces. After watching one student get bitten to death I decide to wander off to a near by cliff and watch from there. Later on I look around me and see several other students have joined me. I get bored and wander back to the bed and breakfast inn I am staying at... though it seems like eternally. Again the voice in the attic... Don't give in to your desires girl. You'll go to hell. I go to my room and sulk... finding the only thing that calms me is the light touch of my fingers. It�s comforting. Maybe that is why I seek it so often in men in myself. To comfort myself in hopes that I will just stop trying to comfort myself and actually do something with my life. Humans should be more like dogs. Nothing fazes them. They are always happy. With just a few licks of a face and the allowance of some good, heavy petting, you could love anyone for eternity. They say seagulls are a sure sign that land is near. These must be a precursor to all things in existence if this is so. I wonder then� what sign appears before my soul is found? Last night I was a child again, floating in the warm currents of the Florida Keys. A dolphin appeared beneath me� playful� I rode it lazily through the water towards the shore. I always thought, or at least believe I was taught, that dolphins frightened sharks away. Not so in my case. I felt a nip on my foot, pulled under the water, I struggled against his jaws. Moments later I surfaced the shark defeated and submissively following me to the shore. I looked down at my hands and feet. They seemed fine except for a few small holes in the flesh that were dripping blood. It reminded me of the supposed stigmata� the miracle of Christ some people in the world claimed to experience. I suppose being attacked by a shark could be as horrible of an experience as being crucified. The only differences between Christ and I seems that the shark didn�t chomp on me so I could save the sins of the world� and had I died I would not have come back to life to spread the word of the glory of the kingdom of god. This is one thing I never understood about the saga of Christ. So he came back to life� when did he die again? Did he just float back up to heaven on the wings of angels? If he did� I hope he had an oxygen mask or found a portal to another realm because I�ve been through the skies and have yet to find heaven� or the so-called pearly gates and the air up there is pretty thin. Perhaps God is really an alien, and when we die, we just return to the mother ship. Our souls� energists to power the universe. Which brings me to last Friday. A report was released stating that imagining events, people, objects, is the same to your brain as actually seeing them. The same parts of your brain light up as do when they are physically present. This was a revolutionary idea� changed my mode of thought� if only momentarily at least. I will have to set aside some time each day to create reality within my mind. This brings the thoughts� Dreams are all imagined and since the brain translates imagination as truth all dreams must be reality. Now if we could only find a way to live lucidly. To take the reigns of the waking world and use them to our advantage� we could accomplish as much in that reality as we would or could in the dream reality. And imagination goes well beyond thoughts. They can be sensations as well. Imagine you�re ill, you�ll fell ill. Imagine someone is sucking on every inch of your skin and you can feel their warm breath as they work their way down your thighs. Of course� not everyone will be able to see beyond the reality we are trapped in and utilize their minds to the point where they can create reality and sensations and use them to fulfill their goals and desires for life. 2:33 p.m. - 2003-06-15 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||
|
||||||